51 Things About Me (Slightly Edited) ...And 1 Thing About Celine Dion

1. I am a big fan of lists. I own the Rock And Rap Book Of Lists. I have an obsession with music charts, which, of course, are lists. So, the notion of a list appeals to me.

2. I have remained friends with all my ex-girlfriends except one. Not that it is a very long list.

3. I like the Pet Shop Boys.

4. I voted for Ronald Reagan in 1984.

5. I am non-violent and try to avoid confrontation. However, if I see someone hurting an animal, that goes out the window and there will be a confrontation.

6. Nearly every decent song I’ve written derived from heartbreak. I’m happy now and the well is dry (except for song parodies).

7. However, I once wrote a song called “Magic’s Johnson” that was intended to poke fun at hypocrites who labeled Magic Johnson a hero just because his HIV-positive status was revealed. Instead, the song was misinterpreted in bars where I performed as a jolly good redneck gay-bashing anthem, and I stopped playing it.

8. I don’t like Jimmy Buffett.

9. I got a *** EDITED*** for a high school graduation present.

10. I got in trouble for a “streaking” incident when streaking was all the rage in the mid- 70’s.

11. I was the first person called upon in the first class of our law school class. This is perhaps attributable to the fact that, when the instructor asked if we had a preferred nickname, I stated a bit too loudly that I preferred to be called “Becky.”

12. I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison.

13. I was kidding about #12.

14. I have worked long enough as a child support prosecutor that I am now going after some of the same kids for nonsupport for whom I was previously trying to obtain support.

15. Febreze can greatly assist in getting that beer-and-cigarettes smell out of your music equipment.

16. I tried to read the Bible in its entirety once, but I got to some passage involving a talking donkey and I stopped.

17. Those prank phone call routines like the Jerky Boys and Crank Yankers make me uncomfortable and I don’t like to listen to them. I don’t know why.

18. Celine Dion is the anti-Christ (I know, that’s not really about me, but it is my mission to get the word out.).

19. My mother was 43 when I was born and my dad was 48. I have a brother who is seventeen months younger than I am.

20. I have never been skiing.

21. I once drunkenly told a seriously late Johnny Winters to “get your ass on stage, you fucking prima donna.”

22. I’m scared of snakes.

23. I’ve never milked a cow.

24. My first concert was Aerosmith in Pine Bluff in 1978. My last concert (to date) was Aerosmith in Little Rock in 2004.

25. I don’t generally like to watch many movies or television episodes more than once. This rule does not, however, apply to episodes of The West Wing nor to black and white episodes of The Andy Griffith Show.

26. I like The Gilmore Girls. There, I said it. I mean, c’mon, Sebastian Bach is a semi-regular cast member. I expect Lemmy from Motorhead to join the cast of “Desperate Housewives” any day now.

27. When I was a senior in high school, I was called out of class to the principle’s office. This was frightening, for I had been ***EDITED*** that day. Ironically, I was called to the office so that I could be named Good Citizen of the month and have a ribbon pinned on me to that effect. [this makes no sense in edited form]

28. I have never used cocaine in any form.

29. I was valedictorian of my high school class.

30. I joined a fraternity when I was a senior in college. So, I became a pledge, got initiated, went active, and became an alumnus all in the same year. Despite all of my anti-fraternity spiel before that, it was a fun year – and I made a 4.00 each of those semesters.

31. If not for forward, “take charge” women, I would’ve been a virgin a lot longer.

32. For one year in college, I lived on the 10th floor of a dorm. It was actually my senior year; I moved back to campus after a year in an off-campus apartment. I was back largely among freshmen and sophomores and I was the jaded elder. So, I should know better than to throw water balloons from ten floors up, right? And I should be able to advise others accordingly, right? No, I was right in the middle of it. Let me clue you in on something – a water balloon from ten floors up can and will go straight through the windshield of a car. We were stunned, and, of course, we scattered. We were never caught. It gets worse. A couple of days later, I am in one of my government classes and I overhear a fellow student complaining that someone had thrown a water balloon through his windshield and how it was going to cost him to get it fixed, etc. Of course, I did the honorable thing and confessed on the spot …..yeah, right. I clammed up and never let on that I was involved. Hey, at least it still haunts me somewhat.

33. I can attest to the fact that playing Frisbee on a streetcar in New Orleans during Mardi Gras will get your streetcar pulled over by a police car and will result in your removal from said streetcar. It is also ill-advised to drunkenly argue with the police officer that you are a third-year law student and “you know your rights, by God.”

34. Also not advisable: Climbing over a fence at a closed state park at 3:00 a.m. while under the influence of ***EDITED*****and first-ever use of ***EDITED*** and then climbing a mountain in the dark.

35. “First ever” use of ****EDITED**** sounds like there were many other occurrences after that. There were not – there was only one other occurrence: during an all day stadium rock show in Memphis (Kingdom Come, Metallica, Dokken, Scorpions, Van Hagar) in heat in excess of 100 degrees. I don’t recommend that, either. ***EDITED*** are bad, m’kay?

36. I took conditioning class in college twice – this was an exercise and running class. To this day, I cringe at what happened one day: During a timed test for set-ups, I accidentally farted loudly and repeatedly.

37. I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

38. It was formerly my position that the devil actually should have won in “The Devil Went Down To Georgia.” I have changed that position. While I enjoy the riff of the devil’s portion of the contest, the actual fiddle playin’ is not that good.

39. I had an initial hatred for cell phones. I spend much of my day on telephones and I
definitely didn’t want some device that would have me on the phone even more. I never thought that cell phones were essential and I truly thought that most people had them just to be cool and “keep up with the Joneses.” I particularly loathed people in grocery stores who use cell phones while shopping to phone home and see what items they need. This attitude of mine changed in May of 2002 when my wife and three of her co-workers were involved in a serious accident a few miles south of Little Rock. I was in court in Star City when I got word and I jumped in my beloved-but-on-its-last-legs old blue Explorer and headed toward LR. About 12 miles north of Pine Bluff, ‘ol Blue had had enough of the pouring down rain and high speed driving and shut down. I had no umbrella and I was wearing a suit. I found an old baseball cap and put it on and struck out for the nearest exit. I don’t hitchhike. Upon reaching the Gravel Ridge exit, I headed east and finally came to a house. Fortunately, I wasn’t shot on sight and the nice lady there brought her cordless phone out to me and let me call a tow truck and one of my co-workers in Monticello. Needless to say, it took me awhile to get to LR to see Carrie and a cell phone would have made matters MUCH, MUCH easier. I have one now….and I have, on occasion, called home from the grocery store to see if I have forgotten anything.

Damn! This should have been a post unto itself.

40. I have never worked in the fast food industry. I’ve worked concession stands a few times, though.

41. I don’t think that it is too much to ask that I receive one of each item featured in the “Best Buy” circular that comes with the Sunday paper.

42. Around 3 years ago, my d.j. partner and I worked a wedding and reception in Monroe. The reception was at the Shriner’s building. Even though the wedding was in Louisiana, either the bride or groom was from Crossett, so lots of local people were there. I drank a lot of champagne and, at some point in the evening, sang an impromptu song to the tune of “Like A Virgin” celebrating the Crossett police chief, Tommy Sturgeon. ( It was not a dis; I like and get along well with Tommy). To this day, people come up to me laughing and singing that song and reminding me of other things I did or said that night. Apparently, I was in rare form.

43. It was recommended by my school that I skip the second grade. My parents did not think that was a good idea. They were probably right.

44. In the first, second, and third grade, we still had racially divided classes – that is to say, the white children were in one class and the African American children were in another class. My dentist in Lake Village at that time had separate waiting rooms labeled “White People” and “Colored People.”

45. How to say this….hmmmm….my wife says that I make the same face when I …er…reach the apex of connubial bliss….that I make when I break wind.

46. I probably should not have disclosed that one.

47. My parents never wore seatbelts and never made me buckle up as a child. In fact, whenever we would get a new car, they would stuff the seatbelts down into the seat.

48. Mainly because I was a voracious reader as soon as I learned to read, I knew about the “facts of life” relatively early. I passed on this knowledge to my five year old brother, who then promptly told the lady who did our ironing for us that he was going to fuck her. I caught hell for that.

49. What goes around…..nearly thirty five years later, I found myself dealing with allegations that my son made inappropriate comments at school. I had to have “the talk” with a very naïve eight year old way, way before I planned to do so.

50. I never got “the talk” from my parents. The only reference I can remember at all was when I came home early one morning after obviously spending the night with my girlfriend – my dad said, “You’d better be careful, boy.” Thanks, dad; I was.

51. My wife and I got engaged over the telephone.

52. Most couples have a romantic, schmaltzy song as “their” song. Ours is “Enter Sandman.”