The Plan

New Year's Resolution - "I plan to lose weight." Yeah, yeah, yeah - BO-RING. I have a better plan: My resolution is not to simply lose weight. I did that this year. I gained it back. I ate the candy that my kids got for Christmas under the "you snooze, you lose" argument.

I am going to do something within the next few weeks to gain national celebrity status. More than likely, I will release a massive hit single - probably an annoying novelty song. This should happen at the latest by March or April. There will be saturated media coverage. It will be rumored that I am involved with a major movie star (but these rumors won't be true, dear wife; it will just be the work of my zealous publicist). I will make a guest appearance on According To Jim.

Around June or July, it will be time for my follow-up song. I will release a vastly inferior tune that bombs terribly. By August, no one will remember who I am. In September, I will be featured on a VH-1 "Where Are They Now?" special. VH-1 will run this special approximately 70 times. This will result in the VH-1 people giving me a call around late October asking me to appear on "Celebrity Fat (Fit?) Club."

I will agree to appear. VH-1 will fly me to California and presumably take care of all my expenses. Due to nationwide television exposure (and fear of Harvey the Drill Instructor), I will be more motivated and I will exceed the target weight loss. An amusing fist fight between Andy Richter and myself during the course of the series will lead to an offer for Andy and I to star in yet another VH-1 series.

That's the plan. I see no reason why it should fail.