Random Lines From Short Stories I'll Never Write

Bill’s head hurt and he was having difficulty focusing his eyes – but he could see well enough to recognize that the naked and snoring figure next to him was that of former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft…..


Justin Timberlake emerged from the room with crimson stains and gray matter splattered all over his white tee shirt. "Shit," he said, " I guess they’re going to blame me for this, too"…..


In the background, the Food Network was on and some middle-aged woman was prattling on – "Cream cheese has many practical uses," she intoned, "but a sexual lubricant is not one of them." Bob did a double take and nearly spat his coffee onto the counter…..


Kurt and LaTrell were still celebrating the team’s victory and they failed to notice that the locker room was now empty ….and the doors were locked! Thus began a voyage of discovery that night that neither would ever speak of again…..


It had bothered him for years. "Dammit," he muttered, "shouldn’t you want to rock and roll all day and party every night?"


Steve glanced at his watch and winced. If he was going to go to Wal-Mart for the balloons and streamers, run by the drycleaners, get the car gassed up, behead his boss, pick Chelsea up from day care, and get the mail to the box by 5:00, he was going to have to hustle…..


"What the f....?" Whatever that was on Earl’s baked potato, he knew it wasn’t sour cream….


Malcolm glanced around the room at his competitors and chuckled to himself. Whatever their qualifications, he was quite confident that no one else’s resume’ boasted of the ability to eat five boxes of Fruity Pebbles in one sitting and having once accidentally boned a penguin.

I Am Thankful....

.....that the Wal Mart circular that I received in the mail shows absolutely nothing that I need so badly that I will be standing in line tomorrow at 5 a.m.

DVD mp.3s

You can put around 800 songs (mp3 format) on a single layer DVD. For those of you who are watched closely by Big Brother at work (can't store songs on your hard drive; can't listen to streaming audio; etc.), this is a great alternative --load up a DVD with 800 of your favorite tunes, check "Shuffle" on Windows Media Player (if you're at least allowed to have WMP at work) and never hear the same song that day.

This works well for me when I dj also - instead of clogging the laptop with mp3s, I've been taking a handful of specialized DVDs lately - works really well!

Maybe some of you tech-heads out there can answer this question for me, though -- most DVD players will play an "mp3 CD" i.e. a CD with around 150 mp3s on it. None of my DVD players, though, will play an "mp3 DVD" i.e. a DVD with around 800 mp3s on it. Why is this?

Crush

This is one guy who thinks that Renee Zellweger is at her absolute sexiest when she is at her "Bridget Jones" weight.

Sideways

I want to see the movie "Sideways". It sounds really good -- it stars Paul Giamati (American Splendor, Private Parts) and Thomas Haden Church (Lowell on the sitcom "Wings" - yeah, really!) as two guys apparently on a "wine tasting" road trip. There's a lot of "buzz" on this one.

Would you ever think that Lowell from "Wings" and "Oscar" would be mentioned in the same sentence?

...must...make....blogs.....shorter.....

I had a chance to see David Lynch's "The Straight Story" a couple of weeks ago on the Independent Film Channel. I didn't see this movie when it was originally released (4 or 5 years ago, I think), but I remember reading about it.

This is a G rated movie (!) based on a true story about an elderly man who finds out that his estranged brother is ill. He wants to "make things right" by visiting his brother, but he can no longer drive. He buys a riding mower, hooks a trailer to it, and sets out on a journey. His struggles and encounters along the way are the heart of the movie. A particularly moving scene involves the man and another elderly man exchanging war stories in a bar.

There are very few movies that I want to see more than once. I've seen this one twice so far, and I would watch it again.

Richard Farnsworth played the title role and he was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar. Sadly, he committed suicide a few months later.

More Than Anyone Wanted To Know

Our day at the Clinton Library opening ceremony began with my wife and children waking up around 5 a.m. at a small hotel in White Hall (just north of Pine Bluff). There were no hotel rooms in Little Rock or North Little Rock to be found. To try to convey the frame of mind that we were in, let me just say that we were not at all sure that all four of us would be admitted. Through a convoluted series of foul-ups, I had requested four tickets back in August. When I hadn’t received any tickets a couple of weeks before the ceremony, I decided that I hadn’t made the cut. Then a friend of mine invited me to go with him – I accepted, but felt guilty that my wife and children couldn’t go. Then my wife called the Clinton Foundation to find out why we hadn’t received tickets and was told that our tickets had been mailed on October 25th, but there was some sort of screw up and that we could pick them up instead at a hotel in Little Rock. Fine. Two days before the ceremony, we received two tickets in the mail instead – this set off another discussion about who would get to go and who would have to NOT go. We settled on a decision that I would go and my nine year old son would go (because he had told his friends he was going and didn’t want to be called a liar). We were told that the other two tickets at the hotel would no longer be valid. Just for the hell of it, we had those picked up also by a friend and we decided we would chance it and try to get us all in.

We parked out at Barton Coliseum and rode a shuttle bus to the site, all of us clad in ponchos and each of us armed with a disposable camera. WE WERE SPECIFICALLY TOLD IN THE MAILING THAT UMBRELLAS WOULD NOT BE ALLOWED!!!!! We stood in a slow moving line headed toward the ticket scanner, and I continued to silently pray that we would all get in. My son Bailey and I were in line first – our tickets scanned and we were cleared to the next round – x-ray machines / metal detectors. Then came the test – would Carrie and Mackenzie get in? She scanned the first ticket and it didn’t clear – my heart sank. She scanned it again, and …..it cleared!!!! The next ticket cleared, also. This was a tribute to my wife, who never gave up, pestered the poor guy she dealt with incessantly, but got us all in (this led to the frequently repeated mantra for the day – "Mom’s the bomb!). The next wait – for the xray machines – took forever, but we were quite early and I rationalized that the longer we waited in line, the shorter the wait for the actual ceremony. This was important when dealing with fidgety children who didn’t quite grasp the importance of the event.

Finally, we got through the xray machine without incident. We located our seats and were disappointed to note that we wouldn’t be able to actually see the stage. I guess I hadn’t contributed enough money to get better seats, but, hey, at least I was among the lucky invitees (I’m slightly kidding – I contributed very little money, but I’ve worked for the Democratic Party in Arkansas for many years). We were also slightly dismayed to see that the "no umbrella" rule had not been strictly enforced. However, there were big Jumbotron tv screens everywhere, so keeping up with the action wouldn’t be a problem.

It was raining. It wasn’t really all that cold, but cold enough. There was about 45 minutes to pass before even the preliminary events started. Not too bad, but, again, I had children with me. SO, PAUL, WHY THE HELL DID YOU TAKE CHILDREN TO AN EVENT THAT YOU KNEW WOULD BORE THEM SILLY AND THAT THEY WOULDN’T APPRECIATE? Because you just don’t get the chance more than once, if at all, to be at an event with all the living former presidents of the U.S. (save one), plus the current U.S. President. Maybe down the road they will appreciate the significance of the event that they got to attend. Maybe.

Finally, a military band began to play patriotic songs, the Jumbotrons fired up, and the time started to pass a little more quickly. The cameramen were playing "Spot the Celebrity", so we would cheer when Robin Williams ( who was wearing a poncho – he didn’t need no stinkin’ umbrella) or Barbra Streisand, or Alfre Woodard, or Norman Lear were shown. By far the loudest cheer, though, was when John Kerry was shown. A brief chant of "Kerry! Kerry!" erupted. This caused me a little concern – this was, of course, a partisan crowd, and I did not want there to be any displays of disrespect for President Bush. I felt that this would reflect badly upon Arkansas – whether or not you respect and believe in the person, you should respect the office. I lectured my son more than once that he would absolutely not be allowed to boo anyone. To the credit of the crowd, the only scattered boos that I heard was during the introduction of my boss, Governor Huckabee.

The highlight of the pre-ceremony was Christian singer / trumpeter Phil Driscoll’s soulful version of "America The Beautiful." I remembered that he had opened the Emmy Awards in 2001 with this same song just a few weeks after 9/11; it was very moving then and it was very moving this time. An African Drum Ballet performed by schoolchildren from Hope, Arkansas, was also very good.

After the pre-ceremony, and a few minutes delay, the introduction of dignitaries began. The line-up was truly breathtaking. It occurred to me, several times in fact, that if a group of terrorists REALLY wanted to have an impact, then this would be the place to strike. There were ambassadors from all over the world. Caroline Kennedy was there. Members of Lyndon Johnson’s family. Al & Tipper Gore. John Glenn. Then the First Ladies – Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton, Barbara Bush, and Rosalynn Carter. Finally, President Bush, and former Presidents Clinton, Bush, and Carter.

At this point, my children had been very patient now for several hours and they decided that they had seen everything they came to see – they were supposed to see the President, and now they had done so. My five year old uttered a mournful, "I want to go home." We were all wet. Ponchos will only do so much. I was starting to feel torn between being a good father and getting my kids in out of the rain and sticking around to witness the speeches of all of the presidents. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the announcement that six people were about to give speeches about the impact that President Clinton’s administration had on them personally. While these speeches were often touching and heartwarming, this was a wet and impatient crowd. During these six speeches, I noticed that many people started to leave. I couldn’t blame many of them. There were a lot of elderly people in the crowd and many of them had come totally unprepared for the rain, even though rain had been forecast for several days. I was concerned for many of them, but particularly for a gentleman that appeared to be around 80 years old. He was dressed in his Sunday best, appeared to be alone, and had no overcoat, umbrella, hat or anything to protect him. He kept walking up and down the aisle. I truly considered offering him my poncho, but my daughter was huddled underneath it.

My wife, already the hero of the day, understood that I was experiencing a dilemma and she knew that I was about to say that we should leave. She also knew that I would regret it later. Bless her, she decided to take the children, catch the bus, go back to the fairgrounds, and wait on me to come later. I went along with that plan (yeah, I know; I really owe her one).

By this time, our long row of seats, completely filled at the beginning, was down to about six people. President Carter’s speech was very good; he made it clear that he understood that then-Governor Clinton’s failure to win a second term was largely due to the Fort Chaffee incident and that he was largely to blame; he apologized. President Bush Senior was very good, also – he had very kind words for the man who kicked his ass in 1992. I even enjoyed President Bush’s speech – I thought it was particularly funny at the beginning when he said something along the lines of, " My fellow Americans…President & Mrs. Clinton…President & Mrs. Carter….President Bush….Governor Huckabee….Mom…."

Now it is time to disclose how superficial I am and how pop culture overcomes even my sense of history….next up was the TRUE reason I wanted to stay , despite the weather. For now it was time for Bono & The Edge. And they didn’t disappoint. First, they did an off-the-cuff version of the Beatles’ "Rain", which was appropriate, of course. Next was an acoustic version of "Sunday Bloody Sunday" – the lady beside me and I sang every word . Finally, the Edge switched to piano and they performed "The Hands That Built America" from the "Gangs of New York" soundtrack. Toward the end of the song, I started heading toward the exits.

So, Paul, you went through all of this only to leave without hearing the person speak for whom the library was named? Yeah. I’ve heard President Clinton speak several times; Hillary, too. This is a man who used to come to the Armadillo Festival. This is a man whom I used to see many, many times jogging in downtown Little Rock when I would be walking from a restaurant or parking lot to a law school class. I went to this man’s inauguration in 1993 in Washington D.C. where I experienced a feeling of hope for American that I hadn’t felt since….well, ever. That feeling lasted for about 100 days, or until the health care reform bill was shot down. This is a man whom, I’m convinced, still has a great deal that he can, and will, accomplish. Bottom line…..there will be other opportunities, I’m sure, to listen to and perhaps even visit with, President Clinton. Hillary, too.

I had no trouble catching a shuttle bus and getting back to the fairgrounds – my timing was perfect. When I arrived back at the fairgrounds, I saw my wife and two children just a few yards ahead of me. They had not had such an easy time getting back, and I felt badly. I can’t say enough about my wife’s efforts in making all of this happen – she knew how important this was to me. It is poetic justice, I guess, that the only person who got sick from exposure to the elements was me.

I caught what I missed on C-Span over the weekend; I missed a very powerful version of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" by Mickey Mangun and I missed a very political benediction by Dr. Tony Campolo. I hope President Bush was listening closely.

Now I can’t wait to actually visit the library. Without the kids.

Teaser

I attended the Clinton Presidential Library ceremony this morning. I took a note pad so I could jot down my thoughts, but I couldn't follow through as the notes would have been a wet, soggy mess. I intend to post my thoughts about what I saw and heard, but it probably won't happen for a couple of days -- right now, I'm bushed! (no pun intended....well, yeah, it was.....)

Live Aid

I read that the Live Aid concert is being released on DVD this week. For those who don’t remember or don’t know, Live Aid was a day long concert in the summer of 1985 organized by Bob Geldof to raise money for famine relief in Africa – it followed on the heels of the Band-Aid "Do They Know It’s Christmas" and USA For Africa’s "We Are The World" singles. It’s probably hard to fathom now what a big deal it was. I didn’t go to the concert – I watched it on MTV. Here is what I remember:

In the summer of 1985, I had graduated college and was about to start law school. I was home with my parents for the summer, working as a cotton pest control consultant (i.e. I walked around cotton fields all day and looked for bugs ). Let’s set the stage: I never had cable television until I went to college and it was available in the dorm. At home, we got only 3 or 4 channels – and only a couple of those had good reception (I’ll save for another post how important it was that I get to see Midnight Special, Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert, ABC’s In Concert, American Bandstand, Solid Gold, and how bad reception often thwarted my ability to see these shows) . My parents, I believe, would have happily paid for cable – but it was not offered to those who lived outside the city limits. We were constantly told by the cable company that they were expanding their coverage area and that maybe next year…..never happened. I don’t think it is available out there even today. So, no cable and no VCR that summer (I didn’t get a VCR until the following Christmas). In those pre-DirecTV / Dish days, the only other alternative was one of those gargantuan satellite dishes. There was no way that my parents would have ever found that to be justifiable, although they did spring for one of those giant rotary antenna towers (meaning we got maybe 5 or 6 channels).

My older brother, however, did get a satellite dish.

Older brother (considerably older, and that’s another post, too) lived just a few steps away. Even though I knew he had all these great channels available, I never went over there to watch very much. The main exceptions were for sporting events that we couldn’t get – then Dad and I would happily go over.

The prospect of missing Live Aid, though, was unbearable. It sounded like the concert of a lifetime. I had to ask Older Brother if I could come over and watch it - - and I had to explain that I was asking him to allow me to tie up his television ALL DAY LONG. He (and family) were okay with it (barely).

I remember that the concert actually started VERY early in the morning – like 6 a.m. or so ( the London part of the show). I couldn’t ask to watch it at that hour, but it was being simulcast on the radio, so I got up and listened. One of the first acts was Bob Geldof himself and his band, the Boomtown Rats. In my senior year of high school, this was one of my favorite bands. My high school rock band may have played all the standard Nugent and Kiss songs, but we also played "I Don’t Like Mondays" ("The silicone chip inside her head gets switched to overload….and nobody wants to go to school today, she’s gonna make them stay at home….")

I finally got to go over and watch. What stands out in my memory is the weirdness of Judas Priest playing at 9:00 a.m. (Judas Priest and Iron Maiden are the two definitive old school metal bands – that’s another post….as is my absolute failure to ever have any inkling that Rob Halford might be gay)….the thrill of Ozzy and Black Sabbath reuniting (it was a big deal then; it’s certainly not a big deal now that they reunite every other Ozzfest)….the hype over the fact that Phil Collins played the London show and then got on the Concorde and came over and played the Philadelphia show also…..the fact that the surviving members of Led Zeppelin reunited (alas, they refused to allow their performance to be included on the DVD – they apparently felt that Phil Collin’s drumming in place of the late, great John Bonham was subpar)…..the continued hype by the MTV jocks that Bruce Springsteen might make a surprise appearance (he didn’t)….the realization that Queen was a certifiable Big Deal in England, although they had faded in stature in the U.S. by then (God help me, I didn’t realize that Freddy Mercury was gay, either…..I’ve got to do a post about how my musical gay-dar didn’t work….)…..the continuous showing of the new Mick Jagger / David Bowie "Dancing In The Streets" video (vaguely interesting the first showing; interminable thereafter)….the fact that Robert Palmer wouldn’t tour with the Power Station so they got Michael Des Barres to sing instead…..Madonna… Run-DMC……Patti Labelle…..Mick Jagger and Tina Turner together….the Who…..

As I recall, the final two hours of the concert (plus highlights from the day) were aired on one of the networks, so I went home and watched the rest.

And then….nothing. The concert was never aired again and has never been released. I’m curious to relive the event, so I MAY be interested in buying the DVD if it isn’t too expensive. I’m also curious about who played that may no longer be living – Robert Palmer, Freddie Mercury, Jam Master Jay, and John Entwhistle come to mind immediately, but I’m sure there are others.

I’m not sure that such an event could ever take place on such a scale again…I don’t know if the world is much more cynical now or if I am just so much more cynical. The images of starving Africans, sadly, is just not that shocking now. And back then, it was awe inspiring for the Who, U2, Paul McCartney, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Bob Dylan, most of the Stones to all get together for one big event. It just wouldn’t be that big of an event now (the Concert For New York notwithstanding) – young people would not be interested in seeing those old farts (well, maybe Ozzy….). Nowdays, you would have to include all of the bling bling rappers and I-hate-everything-and-everybody nu metal bands for any kind of validity – and I for one would seriously question their altruism (Remember the last Woodstock?) I could be totally wrong, but it’s hard to imagine Li’l Jon giving a shit about anyone except Li’l Jon.

Anyway, here’s hoping I get a chance to watch the DVD and spark a few more memories.

Country Song Roundup

This was a monthly magazine that is no longer published, but had a very long run in the 60’s and 70’s. It featured articles on country stars and had the words to currently popular country songs. I read it every month. I also got "Song Hits", which featured the words to current pop, r&b, and country hits, and I also read "Hit Parader" every month, which was pop and rock oriented. I think Hit Parader is still in publication and caters to heavy metal now. I still have a few issues of Hit Parader.
As most magazines do, CSR had a letters column. At the age of 7, I believe, I wrote a letter to CSR saying how much I enjoyed the magazine and asking them to print the words to "El Paso" by Marty Robbins. The letter was published and I was a minor celebrity at school (after I showed it to the other kids, of course; I don’t want to give the impression that all of the other second graders were music-magazine reading freaks). I also got a LOT of letters from other people; many of them explained to me that CSR only printed the words to current country songs and that El Paso was a hit in 1963. Most of them had actually taken the time to write down the words to El Paso (and it is a long story-type song) and send it to me. (It is amazing that I didn’t get letters from pedophiles – at least, as far as I know….). I think my mom still has a copy of the CSR with my letter in a scrapbook that she keeps on me. Dottie West was on the cover.
In an attempt to relive the moment, I submitted another letter under my 6 year old brother’s name. This later was also printed, but it was heavily edited (perhaps they didn’t believe that a 6 year old actually wrote the part where I took the magazine to task for some now-forgotten transgression). He, too, got correspondence as a result. Most notably, he (or really, me; this gets confusing) struck up a short-lived correspondence with the mother of singer Jeannie C. Riley. Jeannie had had a major pop and country hit a few years earlier with the song "Harper Valley P.T.A."
I’ve written a couple of letters to magazines since then. I once sent a picture in to National Lampoon that had originally appeared in the Ashley County Ledger – it was a picture of an elderly lady proudly holding up a large gourd that she had grown. The gourd was shaped exactly like male genitalia, balls and all. As far as I know, it wasn’t published. And I once appeared on the front page of the Spectrum in the mid-80s, an "alternative weekly" that used to be published in Little Rock….and that leads to this story….

Meat Puppets Concert

I was at a Meat Puppets concert around 1988 or so in some warehouse in LR and was absolutely drunk out of my mind. I am a big guy. I don’t mean I am bowed up by any stretch – I am just plain obese. Sometimes, though, just my size can sometimes be intimidating and I have used it to my advantage to actually avoid fights – it just takes a little bluffing. I’ve been in maybe two fights in my life and wouldn’t hurt a fly, but sometimes I have to at least act like that I am somewhat deranged and more than willing to rip someone’s head off their shoulders to (hopefully) get them to back off.
At this concert, I was loaded and feeling very musically aggressive that night and was exuberantly bashing into other people during the concert. Apparently, this led to the formation of a "space" between me and the rest of the audience. This is what was represented by the picture that appeared on the front cover of the Spectrum newspaper – me, looking wide-eyed and aggressive, and other audience members backing up and looking disturbed. I wish I still had that picture!
Two things that I do remember from that night (mostly because friends of my mine like to play "remember when you….) - The lead singer of the Puppets started telling a story. I was standing right in front of him (low stage, no security guards, and no security fence) and got bored and barked, "Play some music!."’ He said, "Yes sir!", stopped his story, and started playing. The other thing I remember is that I was apparently keeping time to the music by bashing their monitor with my fist; they politely asked me to stop doing that. I promise – I am NOT generally "that guy" that everyone hates at concerts who makes things miserable for everyone around him. I was just very passionate about the Puppets and felt like that those of us who crowded into that warehouse that night were part of something special and I was determined to enjoy it to the hilt.
I saw the Meat Puppets again a few years after that, at Juanita’s in LR. I was much more sedate and they were very good, again. It looked like they were going to break through in the early 1990’s – they had a minor pop hit with "Backwater", Kurt Cobain sang their praises, and he featured them in Nirvana Unplugged (he introduced them as "the Brothers Meat"). After that, though, drugs reportedly interfered in a major way. Recently, I read that one of the Kirkwood brothers was shot by a post office security guard after getting into a parking dispute. His injuries weren’t severe, but he was charged with assault, had several priors for drug offenses, and he has been sentenced to jail. Very sad - wasted potential in a truly great band. I think some form of the band still tours, but its not the same -- and never will be.

Concerns About My Sanity On A Particularly Trying Monday....

The television show "J.A.G." is about to enter its tenth year on network television.

To the best of my recollection, I have never once seen this show. Not even in syndication.

(Editor's Note: what originally followed was a much lengthier discourse on other shows that I've never seen, why I can never watch J.A.G. now, and then the post veered far off course. Upon re-reading, it was decided that the post could arguably be used against me in a commitment proceeding. So, let's just keep it simple - I've never seen J.A.G. That's it.)

I Was On A Game Show....

This is one of my entries in my ongoing "My Life In Music" project:

During the time that I was in law school, the old Nashville Network (now morphed into “Spike TV”) was actually a network more or less devoted to country music and the "country music lifestyle". They had a game show on the network hosted by country singer Bill Anderson called “Fandango” – it was kind of like a country music version of "Jeopardy!", but really dumbed down, for the most part. I didn’t watch the show on any kind of regular basis, but I had seen it from time to time.

One day, I noticed in the newspaper that try-outs for “Fandango” were being held in the University Mall in Little Rock. I lived in Little Rock at the time and thought, “What the hell.” I went to the mall that day with a couple of law school buddies and signed up. We were given a written test first to demonstrate our knowledge of country music. At the time, I had a very good knowledge of “classic” country, but very little knowledge about current country. Nevertheless, I only missed one question out of about 30. My buddies barely got any right at all. This qualified me to proceed to the next round, which was actually playing a “trial” game of "Fandango" at the mall against two other contestants. Instead of Bill Anderson, the emcee was local deejay/icon Bob Robbins. As I recall, I did okay in the game, but I didn’t win. I was thrown by a question about George Strait, with whom I was not all that familiar with at the time. I shrugged it off and left.
A month or so later, in December of 87, I got a call from the a producer of "Fandango" saying they still wanted me to be a contestant.

I DIGRESS, PT. 1: Later, upon meeting me, the producer said, "Oh, yeah, you're the one with Van Halen's "Eruption" on your answering machine."

I DIGRESS, PT. 2: This also reminds me that my roomate (who would now be known as a "player") always made an effort to let everyone know that our telephone number was 224-LUST (cringe).

BACK ON TRACK: The producer made the tantalizing offer that if I could pay all of my expenses and make it to Nashville on a date certain, then I might get on the show. The taping was to be on December 22, 1987, in Nashville. Well.... what the hell, I was a student, finals were over, why not? – ROAD TRIP! Soon after, two law school buddies, my younger brother, and I left for Nashville. We checked out the Country Music Hall of Fame, the Hermitage, the Ryman Auditorium (former home of the Grand Ole Opry), and other Nashville attractions the first day, and then I reported to the television studios the next day at Opryland.
Most game shows tape a week’s worth of shows in a day, “Fandango” included. I didn’t make the first four shows, so it looked like the trip was just a lark. I got picked for the fifth show, though. An “America’s Sweetheart” –type from Dothan, Alabama had won the first four shows and was poised to win a big prize if she won the fifth show. She was really sweet and the audience clearly was in her corner. Woe unto anyone who disrupted her winning streak!
The show started, and during the “meet the contestants” part, Bill tried to make me call the Hogs, even though I said I attended UALR (the Razorbacks are associated with the Fayetteville campus, not Little Rock). I laughingly mumbled “Sooey pigs.”

I DIGRESS, PT. 3 : I had a good laugh recently reading about Ken Jennings, the guy on "Jeopardy!" who continues to win. Apparently, he had run out of things to say during the "Meet the contestants" part of the show, so, when Alex asked him yet again to tell something about himself, he reportedly said, “Well, Alex, I once killed a man down south.”

Anyway, the game started, I did pretty well, and going into that part of the game that is roughly akin to “Final Jeopardy”, I was actually ahead. It looked like I was going to win and wreck America’s Sweetheart’s chance to win a sailboat or a house full of furniture.

I didn’t win and no, I didn’t take a dive.

The question was “What female country artist was known as the Sweetheart of the Opry?” Well, despite years of reading up on country music history, and reading Country Song Roundup religiously (more on CSR in a later post) when I was in elementary school, I didn’t know the answer. I said “Tammy Wynette,” whom I should have known was nobody’s sweetheart. The answer was Connie Smith. She is fairly obscure now but she was a big deal in 1965. She primarily sings gospel now. Her name surfaced a couple of years ago when she married Marty Stuart, who, from an age standpoint, could be her son. Anyway, I jokingly refer to Connie Smith now as “that bitch.”
I came in second. I won two Western shirts and a lot of Liquid Drano. I gave away the shirts and never redeemed the Liquid Drano certificates. We went to a taping of a country variety show that night and I at least got to meet Steve Earle.
I have a videotape of my 1987 appearance on "Fandango"; I recently converted it to DVD and my kids get a kick out of their baby-faced (and considerably lighter) dad on a game show.

Sidenote: On Fandango, their resident “Vanna White” was a person named Blake Pickett. She came across as a perky, wholesome type. I think I still have her autographed photo somewhere. Anyway, imagine my surprise when she turned up in a soft-core porn film on Cinemax a few years later – “Confessions Of A Lap Dancer.” A check of internet film databases shows that she has been in quite a few of these films since her days on Fandango.

In Praise Of....

Election's over. I'm an election worker; I got home at 4 a.m. If I'm not mistaken, exactly ONE of my votes went my way. Stayed home due to exhaustion; watched concession speech and hey, we won speech. I will try to be positive and hope that President Bush meant what he said about being a president to ALL Americans and try not to focus on the fact that I've heard it before. Special praise to the people of Vic Snyder's district who re-elected Vic despite the "liberal" tag. I went to law school with Dr-Lawyer-Vietnam Veteran-Senator Vic and he is one of the finest people I have ever known.

So....more in depth analysis of what went wrong? What the future brings? Nah....there's plenty of that elsewhere.

Let's talk about.......Fairly Oddparents!

The general wisdom behind the old Warner Bros. animated shorts....Bugs Bunny, etc.....is that they weren't really designed for kids. They had jokes for adults, too; after all, the cartoons preceded the latest Humphrey Bogart or Clark Gable films in theaters back then. They hold up well even today.

To me, Fairly Oddparents is similiar. It's not South Park or the Adult Swim line-up where you can't (or probably shouldn't) let your kids watch it. It is on Nickelodeon and is extremely popular. It is not "deep" and it is not even a must-see, but it is highly enjoyable. I have watched it even when the kids weren't around. The premise is that a ten year old boy, Timmy, who isn't in the "in crowd" at school, doesn't get enough attention from his parents, and has a sadistic baby sitter, gets two fairy godparents - a married couple. Cosmo, the male, is a fun-loving moron; his wife, Wanda, is the practical one. The jokes are well-written and it appears that the writers actually put a considerable amount of thought into the story lines. The emphasis is on slapstick, mainly, but there is "hidden" social commentary, political satire, and lampoons of pop culture, and it is occasionally slightly touching (not too often, though).

A favorite recent line: Wanda: "I'm sorry, Timmy. We can't interfere with and destroy true love. Only parents can do that."

The recent feature length Oddparents "Channel Chasers" should have been released in theaters - it is far better than most kid movies that I have to go see in theaters (and I go to just about all of them). "Channel Chasers" is a tribute to all of the favorite animated shows of the creators (plus "Sesame Street") as Timmy travels through television history. I recommend it, but will say that it helps to understand "Channel Chasers" if you have watched a few episodes of the show.

I also like Spongebob and Jimmy Neutron (but not as much); always the Simpsons and South Park; Family Guy (had to get the entire series on DVD); and Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law. Not too impressed with the first episode of "Drawn Together." And, despite its rabid fan base, I haven't really warmed up to Aqua Teen Hunger Force yet. I'm trying. Sealab 2010 is funny, also.

Juvenile Sense of Humor Shines Through

If you can read this without snickering like a fifth grader, you're an infinitely better person than I am....

http://www.yahoo.com/_ylh=X3oDMTExNmlqNW1pBF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEdGVzdAN2MTczBHRtcGwDdjE3My1pZQ--/s/218527